Tag Archive: male perspective

Online Dating: A Male’s Perspective

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photo (2)A guy friend of mine and I recently got into a conversation about his experience in online dating. He’s been reading my girlfriend’s stories and wondered if I’d want him to write-up his perspective. Did Christmas come early? As women, we analyze and then over analyze what little we know of the male brain to no end. If you are offering me a window in, I will take it.

So here you go! Oh.. he needs a nickname…. Let’s just call him E.

So I have to admit I signed up for online dating with much grumbling at first. From a guy’s perspective, our pride constantly tells us that, “I am too good for this,” or “Signing up for a site is too desperate…she will come.” But after years of her not “just coming” I thought, “What could it hurt? Besides I won’t tell anyone I am on it.”

So I looked for the free ones because again, “paying for an online dating website was for losers.” But not long after swimming with “PlentyofFish.com” I soon figured out that most of those were bombarded with profiles that were titled, “Just looking for some fun,” or “If you can have fun, then you can’t have nun” …just trashy girls really.
I’d like to believe myself to be a good guy; I have a good head on my shoulders, a career, a car, an apartment (just got one but still…), I get along with people, I would like to humbly say I am good-looking, and I hold to a Christian world view with Christian morals. So trashy was out, and it was on to the Christian websites.
I found some free ones, but the free ones never came with a large enough “fish pond” to sort through. After looking on some of those I found there to be some really unattractive women on there. And I will stand by view that the person you look for needs to be attractive both inside and out. You should never feel as if you settled, I don’t want a girl settling for me and I don’t want to feel as if I settled for some girl either. So being physically attractive was a priority on my list. And I would say that it is a priority for all guys. I don’t consider myself a “sexist pig” or a “horny” guy and people who know me would never give me those labels, however when looking for a girl, she first has to pass my physical attraction test.
The physical attraction test doesn’t really consist of anything really tedious or overly critical list, but I would say, it’s a list that everyone would consider the “must haves.”
The Must Haves: Physical
– must have a cute face/smile (If I potentially have to look at you everyday for the rest of my life since I essentially date to marry, then you better be cute to me. You don’t have to be drop dead gorgeous but you have to be cute enough.)
– must have good hygiene (This is typically found out on the date or in person. Bad breath, body odor, acne, crust in your eyes as if you just woke up…these are all pretty much deal breakers.)
That’s it physically! You don’t have to have this “supermodel body” and all that mumbo jumbo. The requirement for me is cute and well taken care of. Anything above that is a plus for me. I feel sorry for the guys who expect perfection and they themselves are far from it…I have a few friends like this…they are single haha.
The Must Haves: Personality:
– Must be Christian (One who lives it out and has morals)
– Must not be prideful
– Must not be rude
– Must not be boring (In other words we know the very quiet people out there who really have no personality at all? That’s not my cup of tea! I want to be able to have a conversation with someone, not be the one doing all the talking. So someone with a little life, able to express their views, opinions, and interests.)
– Must have a sense of humor – (Please be able to laugh and joke about things, life,…whatever it may be. If you cannot take a joke or anything of that nature I wont bother with you.)
– Must be caring and loving
Everything else is pretty much an addition. Ultimately I am looking for a girl who I can share life with and we have some similar interests. In other words I probably wont date a girl who loves opera and quiet nights at home reading…..Anybody in their right mind would want to date someone with some similar interests…
So that’s my mindset as I look for the girl on Christian websites. I have somewhere along the line allowed my pride to move by the wayside and pay for the good ones such as Christianmingle or Eharmony. Yes I have tried both and so far no luck.
It wasn’t long after my time with E-harmony that I figured out that I would rather try Christianmingle. Guys are visual by nature and so rather than waiting for E-harmony to send me some “matches” that they think would work well with my preferences and personality, I thought the “free browsing” through profiles on Christianmingle was more convenient because it allowed me to quickly sift through a number of profiles quickly using my “must have physical test.”
Not long after I got a date. She lived about 30 minutes away from me so that was already a plus. Her pictures all passed my physical must have test, her profile described a girl with morals, who went to church weekly, and we shared some similar interests. All signs pointed to go. So I messaged her, which might I add is the hardest thing for guys. Why? Because we don’t know what to say? We typically stare at your profile for minutes trying to figure out how to not sound “cheesy.” Do we keep it short and just say, “Hi” or do we find something on your profile that stuck out to us and conjure up some way of adding it to the same ol “came across your profile and saw that you liked….” or “anyways just stopping by to say hi, hope to hear back from you.”
The truth is we have no clue. Woman these days have made it so hard for a guy to approach them with anything because everything to a woman seems like a “cheap line.” Or they just ignore or shrug you off. Especially here in Orange County; Seems like every girls requirement in is white boy, blond hair, washboard abs, a lot of money and a good car. Then woman hope that there is at least some good qualities and personality traits that can come with the predetermined requirements. But anyways, back to what I was saying; We don’t know what to say. The truth is we are nervous and already feeling low for being on an actual website that we find something to say, and pray that it works as we quickly hit “send!”
So many thoughts….how to keep this a readable length… Ok. I’ll hit two points.

1. Lists

We all have some form of a test or checklist that we use while dating and yet we slightly resent that our date is using one on us. It feels judgemental when it’s coming our way. My brother and I were talking the other day about lists and whether they were a good idea or a bad idea. We both agreed that the real sign of a good prospect is when you forget the list all together. When you’re super aware of how someone is or isn’t preforming, you are probably trying to convince yourself you feel something you don’t. Anyway, that’s our 2 cents.

2. What to say

I’m so glad E brought up what a guy should say when approaching a girl! Honestly, it’s simple. Say hi. Just say hi. Be it email or in person, that’s all you need. You won’t believe the things guys try. Just last weekend, one gentleman approached our table and asked if we’d like to play a game. In the bar. Nope. I wouldn’t suggest trying to be “creative” or “different” since I’ve never once heard any of my friends say that was something they were looking for in this interaction. Want to know what we all say we want when meeting a guy? NORMAL. So be that..

The truth is, your success has very little to do with your method. Your demise can, if you do something weird or awkward, but not your success. If she likes you, she’ll find whatever you do endearing and tell her friends about it. I’m not an expert, but I’d send a friendly low-key email instead of an over-the-top one to be on the safe side.
There are no solid rules that will eliminate the element of risk involved in dating. Everyone gets rejected, it’s just part of the deal. I don’t envy guys’ role in this and I can see why E finds it scary. But if you are up for it, just give a hello and ask her how her night is going. Be genuinely interested and the rest is up to _________ (chemistry, fate, personality dimensions, God, Adele, Tequilia…pick your love source)


Gamers- a Guy’s Perspective

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My friend Davey sent me a message this morning saying my post on gamers got him thinking.  He’s given me permission to post his take on it.  As a girl I KNOW I don’t understand the world of gaming and porn. I was thankful to have a male shed some insightful, intelligent, and helpful light on the subject.

I’m sitting on a train to London right now, two weeks into a three month European “walkabout” of sorts. They say these types of journeys end up being about self-discovery. You travel somewhere far away from home, far away from normal or comfortable, to the exotic and fascinating, the mysterious and wild. And at the end of it all, as much as you learn about others, you learn far more about yourself.

I’m a man of intensity and passion. I struggle greatly when that which is at hand is of little cosmic importance. If my eyes aren’t fixed on the horizon, it’s difficult to know where to step. I operate very well within a long term plan of action. Without it, I wander, searching for a sense of meaning in each new step. And I don’t think I’m alone. A good friend of mine wrote a piece on the effects of pornography and video gaming in the lives of men from a single woman’s perspective. (which you should definitely read here) And sure we could demonize the video game industry for playing its part in eternal adolescence and its easy (and absolutely necessary) to condemn pornography for the erosion of healthy human sexuality, but there’s a deeper reason why men gravitate towards these kind of digital shenanigans.

Men have lost their sense of purpose. And yes, I’m beating the same drum as many others right now, but I feel as if it really is the reason for most problems we have lately. This isn’t new revelation forged in the brilliant depths of Davey-brain, but I have the unique opportunity to be a man in the thick of it.

In the olden days, even only 100 years ago, a man’s duties were many. To be the legitimate protector of his family, to provide shelter against harsh environments, people and wildlife, to hunt for food, to gather firewood for warmth, etc. Life was hard, so man was to be harder. Men didn’t have much time for non-essential actions. Too much was at stake, too many lives depended on what he did with his.

And not every man lived up to this ideal, that hasn’t changed. But what has changed is the infrastructure. Rows of perfectly constructed houses with perfectly manicured lawns in master-built communities planned to bring our every need within arms distance. The idea of provision has changed for most men, each individual problem can be solved, for a small fee, by someone else. Men don’t need to be experts in anything anymore really. They just need to know how to make enough money to pay people who are.

Life in our modern age isn’t about survival… that is all but guaranteed. Life, for too many men, is but a vehicle for enjoyment. In order to continue, and even thrive, it would seem that life doesn’t need most men. But, that’s only because women seem keen to run things in a man’s absence.

How many married men do you know actually manage their money? How many are truly active in the lives of their children? I would venture to guess that its less than we’d hope. But how many men go off to work for sometimes 10 or more hours a day? Many men are so disconnected with their loved ones because of our ever-shifting definition of “provision”. Of course money is what makes the world go ‘round, but men are made by fathers, not finances. Families need emotional provision as much as (and many times more than) financial provision.

Without a purpose worth living for and when men work day-in/day-out without it, life becomes a mess of unfulfilling movement. Then, after a day of seemingly meaningless action, with what time is left, a man still longs to conquer or achieve.

Video games are a great substitute for a fulfilling life. They are scientifically designed to give men bite-sized goals to achieve, new enemies to conquer and an opponent to rise above. A pseudo sense of purpose. A few hours a night and we can be transported to a world that needs us. A world where there are immediate dangers to protect against and immediate rewards. The only problem is that none of it means anything once you are done! You don’t know your wife or girlfriend any better, your homework or housework isn’t any closer to done and you’ve practiced something for hours that gave you no noticeable advantage in the real world.

Now pornography is a great way to have an instant connection with someone far more attractive than you could ever have in real life. It’s quick and easy and never wants to cuddle or make you watch House Hunters International. The only drawback is that, ya know, it completely ruins your ability to love any woman the way that she needs.

The true love and devotion of a beautiful woman that loves you like crazy is traded in for a quick moment with a girl you will never meet and will never love you back. Women are reduced to a series of interconnecting parts created to bring pleasure to men. But once again, without a long-term purpose, the short-term fix is quicker and easier.

But do men feel like they have the power to change any of this? Maybe they feel as if they can change the little things, rebuild the fence out back, buy that new car, get a raise at work, but do men sense that their actions can change the whole? That their yes or no can collectively move their culture?

I believe we need men who believe in ideals. Men who believe that they can be achieved through hard work and a devotion to what really matters. Men desire to conquer and achieve, but we need to understand that there’s a world out there that needs the intentionality and effort we put into Call of Duty. We need to understand that there are a whole world full of beautiful, smart, amazing and fully-capable women who desire to be loved mind, body and soul. They are wishing, hoping and praying for men to save their hearts, minds and eyes for them.

I believe whole-heartedly that most problems woman have are because a man either did something he shouldn’t have or didn’t do something he should have. Men and women are forever tied to each other and are meant to live in harmony, using each others gifts to work in tandem.

So men, we’ve got work to do. I don’t mean to point the finger at video games or pornography, they are the effects of a hole in the heart of a man that needs to be filled with something for more long-lasting and fulfilling. We need to believe that everything we do effects those around us and that we can have immense purpose solely by choosing to look for it.

Great, right? You can read more from Davey here. As always, I’ d love to hear your thoughts. Any men or women want to comment on their take?